The Well-Tempered Clavier - The Movie

Not another picture of me - no. For a kicker, he's a lot uglier than me - and for seconds, he's a lot smaller.

But he does have a certain brooding edginess about him ...

This boy is, of course, Jamie Bell - star of Billy Elliot and, most recently, Hallam Foe.

And, although it might be a little bit previous - seeing as I haven't even sold the film rights to The Well-Tempered Clavier yet (nor have received even the slightest interest them) - it occurred to me that I ought to start sizing up a few prospective stars.

My bone-headed chum Tim Maguire suggested Daniel Radcliffe, fresh from slaughtering horses in Equus.

But Bell does it for me. That haunted, Byronesque quality; the pain, the tortured horror - all of the emotions, that is, that come from going to Eton.

Besides, if Jamie can master a bit of ballet-dancing, then learning a few Bach preludes should be an absolute snap ...